Today is a weird day – it’s my anniversary, but not one that I want to celebrate. One year ago today my mother succumbed to a very nasty metastatic cancer after an almost-two-year struggle.

She was surrounded by family for her last hours and it was very peaceful. She went out under heavy morphine sedation, her brain destroyed by a lung cancer.

It was, for me, the most profound experience of my life. To be able to sit with her, hold her hand and ask to see what she saw. As she passed I closed my eyes and saw blinding whiteness. It was so gentle that it brought a huge smile to my face. After being her primary caregiver for two years I felt as if two elephants that I hadn’t even known were there dissolved from my shoulders. I felt tonnes lighter.

If you are currently a caregiver my heart goes out to you – I understand the burden you carry. Hopefully this blog will help to ease the burden. One year later I am still exploring life after caregiving. I can only promise that it does get better. I still cry at seemingly small things and I can’t yet talk about it without tearing up but it *is* better. The world has much more light in it now.

To my mother: You were a total pain in the butt and I love you so much. I miss you dearly and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.

Mwa.

After much internal soul searching I made the decision to send my dog to Halifax to live with Penny.

Starting in September, I’ll be leaving the house at quarter after five in the morning and not getting home until nine. I knew that keeping the dog would be incredibly hard on him and on me.

My brother, Darryl, and sister-in-law, Catherine, drove Indy down to Halifax last weekend. Here is a snippet of how Indy is adjusting from our email thread.

Catherine: The drive was absolutely beautiful! Indy was VERY happy to see Penny OMG! The dogs have access to a lovely yard with a wooded area and a lawn area. There’s always someone at home and the door to the backyard is open all the time: Doggy heaven. There’s a lake a block away and the dogs went there for a walk off leash, again, doggy heaven.

Penny: Indy is fine. He’s sleeping well on his blanket in our room. He and John have bonded. I got a rope for them to tug on so the soft toys will be saved. There is some problem with the cats. He ignores them in the house, but in the yard, he feels free to chase them away. In fact, he seems to have succeeded with Spock. I haven’t seen him for 2 days.

Darryl: He’s such a good little chaser.

Catherine: Darryl!!!

Me: No reply, just laughing so hard that tears roll down my cheeks.

Spock has been found by the way, he was in the basement – sulking. I love my family.

I never used to cry. Now, it seems that certain topics grab my heart and squeeze. Three of those topics are cancer, dementia, and terminal illness. A case in point was Tuesday.

To celebrate our respective summer holidays, my cousin Dylan and I are watching Season 2 of Boston Legal as quickly as we possibly can. We started Monday and are now on Episode 22 of 28. I love this show and after a shaky start, Season 2 has been just as good as Season 1.

However, Tuesday night it made me cry. Specifically, it was the episode with Michael J. Fox as a Stage 4 Lung Cancer patient. Of course, it had to be stage 4 lung cancer, that’s what killed my mom. What made it worse was that I could see the symptoms of Parkinson’s Disease in Michael. After it was over, I made it down the hall but as soon as I reached my bedroom the tears started.

That’s it, just a minute where I was paralyzed by sobs. There is altogether too much cancer, dementia and death in Season 2 of Boston Legal. Altogether too much. Still love the show.

Four days until the 1 year anniversary of my Mom’s death. Stupid cancer.